that's life.

i've been alone today. all day.

and that's never good at a time like this.

i've had way too much time to think and i've realized

i miss him. a lot.

this is the first day in 3 months i've been able to admit that to myself

and it was a realization that came with too many memories and tears.

he doesn't deserve to be missed.

not after all the hell he put me through.

and yet, i can't help it.

the thing is, he shattered my whole world

and yet, i still pray for him.

every freaking night.

and not in the "i pray your brakes run out going down a hill" kind of prayer, or not really the "please make him love me" kind either.

it's in the "please bless that he will talk to me today. bless that things will be okay, and bless his new girlfriend."

and i think that's why i miss him so bad...

because i know he isn't going to talk to me today. or tomorrow. or then any time for the next two years, at least. i know things will never be okay between us, and i know he will always care for that girl more than he ever cared for me.

you always want what you can't have, and that is all he is.

something i can't have.

because in all honesty, if we were talking, i know he'd drive me crazy.

he'd be overprotective and jealous, and i'd find myself wanting exactly what i have now:

him happy with someone else.

why is life so frustrating?

all i ever wanted was some closure, and closure is another one of those things that just isn't going to come.

but don't get me wrong...

i'll be fine by thursday, and i'll probably hardly think of him again.

it's just the matter of he is leaving and we're not on good terms.

i've always hated being on bad terms with anyone,

but once he's gone and across the country, i'll be perfectly fine.

i never thought the day he left would be like this.

...but i guess that's just life, right?

one big surprise after another.

and man, do i hate surprises.