"...these words are my diary screaming out loud."

something i've got to get out... about someone who i let fool me twice, and have vowed to never let it happen again. anyone that truly knows me that reads this will know exactly who and what i'm talking about. unfortunately, the only person that needs to hear it, never will: him.


to you:

i've never thought of you as an "ex". to me, that is a negative term, and i have always felt like things between us were anything but that. so for the last year, i've been referring to you as my best friend... i couldn't have been more wrong.  best friends, or even just friends, for that matter, would never do what you've done to me over the last six months. so you're in love? good for you. i'm honestly glad you have finally found someone who is perfect for you, who you are going to marry and spend eternity with. but friends don't throw away someone they've known their whole life for a girl they love.  the thing is, you could have it all: my friendship and her love, but you are so caught up in the term "ex" that you claim it's not fair to your future eternal companion to continue talking with me. you've got it so engraved in your mind that i'm still so in love with you, when the truth is that i've never been in love. yes, i loved you. i love you the way i love my mom, or hannah.  the kind of love where you care about a person and want them in your life.  i'm not in love with you, nor have i ever been.  when you're in love, you want to grow old with a person. they can do no wrong and they're all you think about. i'm sorry to admit that was never the case with you.so please stop planting that idea in the minds of your girlfriend and entire family. you are giving yourself way too much credit. do you want to know what i don't understand? why just last week you were telling me how much you value our friendship, and that i should just try to talk to your girlfriend about it. to tell her that i'm not interested in you, and maybe then she would allow us to talk. so, i did as i was told... and you told me i was trying too hard. you told me that i can't try to get our friendship back, that i need to find a friend i can talk to because you won't be there for me anymore. ...why? for your precious little girlfriend? tell me, what happens when she doesn't wait for you while you're on your mission? if she couldn't wait for her boyfriend of four years, what makes you think she'll stick around for you, someone she has been dating for a couple months? the sad thing is, i know if she tells you to not go, you won't. i hope and pray you actually leave, and stay the whole two years.  good luck... even after how you have made me feel, i still wish you the best in life and love. you see, i've got a little thing some people call class, which is more than i can say for you and your girl. just know that if she writes you and tells you there is someone else, i won't be there for you. i never want to talk to you again, and i'm not just saying that. stay out of my life. you've never brought anything but confusion and heartbreak, and i don't need that. i will never forgive myself for wasting a year of my life with you when there are plenty of other people who truly care about me and aren't going to treat me like crap because of some girl. i shoulda known, but i do have to thank you for making me a fighter. through all the fights and cruel words, you made me stronger and smarter. i will never allow myself to be treated like this again. 

oh, and to your girl? honey, you're not fooling me. i know why you hate me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that i was dating your boyfriend a year ago. jealousy is an awful sickness, and i can only hope you'll recover soon.  ya see, i've been nicer to you that i have ever been. yet, you continue to throw me the dirty looks and tell your precious boyfriend that i'm being mean. it would kill you when he would come to me with his problems instead of you, didn't it? and when he broke up with you and came right back to me? looks like your boyfriend has some issues with getting over someone, doesn't it? you're not hurting me one bit by hating me. i have enough of that. the only thing you are doing is providing him with a reason to hate you.. whether he expresses it or not, there will always be some small part of him deep inside that resents you for ruining us. luckily for me, i could care less about the two of you at this point. i'm beyond all of this... have fun patiently waiting two years for my sloppy seconds while i go out and live my life.